And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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