god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
