the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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