So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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