I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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