Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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