I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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