Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
