Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
