Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
