true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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