theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
