It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im holly from the hills drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
