ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
