You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
