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If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
