I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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