i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
