she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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