Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
