I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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