Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
