my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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