tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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