you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
