i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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