I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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