I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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