omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
