he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
