I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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