Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
