Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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