Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
