Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
