God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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