In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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