got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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