That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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