Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
