i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
