you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
