he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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