the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She announced her abortion via fbk
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
