Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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