If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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