Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
