Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Randomize
