rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
