life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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