dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
