Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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