You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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