Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
