you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
